The Gospel According to Miranda Bailey
by Conn8d
Summary: Minnow is to shark as runt is to hog? Spoilers for 9x03 and the promo for 9x04. Mostly about April and Bailey, but it's got a Japril slant.


**A/N: Here is a little story the popped into my mind after watching 9x03 and the promo for 9x04. Mostly about April and Bailey, but it's got a Japril slant. No idea where it came from, but I just had to get it out there. Really rough and largely unedited. I'm sure I have said this before, but Bailey is hard. It'll probably stay a one shot. **

* * *

April stared at the bottom of the bunk above her, chest heaving as she worked to catch her breath. Jackson had sat up already, and was quickly pulling his scrubs back on. She swallowed and massaged her temples anxiously. _This_ was the last time they would have sex. Even if the last time was supposed to be. And the time before that. And the time before that.

Jackson sighed stiffly and turned to face the bed, he opened his mouth as though he was about to speak, but the shrill noise of his pager cut him off. He looked pained, guiltily pulling the small object from his pocket.

"I...I gotta take this," he said awkwardly. "So...I'm sorry to leave so quickly..."

"I know."

Pulling his scrub top over his head, Jackson leaned over and kissed April sweetly, just like he always did after they slept together. And just like always, it made her heart race, and she felt a little giddy. Then he stood up and left the on call room, swiftly shutting the door behind him. Sighing, April pulled her self into a sitting position and went about locating all the discarded articles of her own clothing.

It had to be the last time. Because April couldn't do this anymore.

She felt too...guilty? Well, yes. But not in the way she thought she should feel guilty. April knew that she should feel guilty because this was breaking her promise to God. A promise she had already broken before and gotten forgiveness for, only to break it again as soon as she'd gotten her second chance. So much for a clean slate. She was still the same awkward person she always was. And a total failure at life.

April knew she was supposed to feel guilty because for having sex again. But she really felt guilty because of how sad she felt to think that this really was the last time. She felt bad because she didn't feel bad. Sex with Jackson had felt as good, and even better than ever. And she knew she'd miss it. She'd miss _it_ with him. Which freaked her out because, well, she thought that sex was something sacred in a marriage. And Jackson had hit the nail on the head when he'd pointed out that he wasn't ready to be anyone's husband and that she wasn't ready to be anyone's wife. So, that meant sex should be out of the picture. Until she got to that marriage point with...well, with someone who wasn't Jackson. Because he didn't...he'd never...But, as strong as April's beliefs about sex and marriage were, she just somehow wasn't comfortable with that. The someone else part. And she couldn't get sex with Jackson out of her mind.

The whole situation was terrible, because despite the seemingly unavoidable romps with Jackson, (it seemed that whenever they were in the same room alone things started to get...well, going), April still missed him. She missed talking to him. That was the thing about the whole sex thing, or wherever they were now. They didn't talk. Not really. Not about anything important. Certainly not about how they felt.

Things were all messed up. She wanted to cry.

Sighing, and trying hard to get her emotions under control, April quickly dressed and made her way out of the room. Her shift was over, but April didn't want to sleep in this particular on-call room. Too much to remember. So, she decided to go grab her pajamas and find a room on another floor. Search for cheap studio apartments online or something. Maybe get a fruit salad from the cafeteria later. Maybe go for a walk. It felt like she hadn't left the hospital in days. April needed to clear her head.

When she rounded the corner that lead to the attendings lounge April groaned internally when she saw Alex heading toward her. She liked Alex...sort of, some of the time, but ever since everyone at the hospital and their mother now found out that she was no longer a virgin, his teasing was merciless. But, deep down, April wondered if she deserved it. If it was God, Jesus, or Justin Timberlake's way of punishing her for breaking her promise. Again. And for not really feeling bad about it.

"Hey, Apes," Alex said nonchalantly, flinging the door open.

"Hi," April said evenly, ignoring his use of her detested nickname as she followed him in.

"You look like crap," Alex continued, striding over to the refrigerator and pulling out one plastic container after another, opening, sniffing and discarding the boxes as he went along. "You better get over it, I'm scrubbing in on an appy with you on Pimple boy tomorrow. I don't want it too take forever because you screw up."

April had crouched down over her suitcase, unzipping the side and reaching her hands inside. His words made her jump up, "What?"

"Yeah, Webber added me to the case."

She had had no idea. Every surgery Hunt had assigned her since she'd arrived back in Seattle had another attending surgeon scrubbing in. It was like being a resident again. Why did they all think she couldn't do surgeries anymore? Okay well, the whole failing the boards thing wasn't exactly the best sign. But that had all been the oral interview stuff. Her _actual_ solo surgical outcomes were mostly positive. And it wasn't like this was some high stakes trauma, or a super complicated procedure. This was a simple surgery. April could do it. She might have bombed her boards, but she didn't think she was incompetent.

The door opened and both Alex and April glanced over and acknowledged Dr. Bailey as she walked in glaring and shaking her head. She strode over to the far side of the room and rooted around for her purse.

"I can do an appendectomy!" April whined, only mildly caring just how juvenile the whole thing was.

Alex smirked and turned from the fridge, having found some food that matched his appetite. Chuckling, he said, "Oh yeah. I bet. Now there isn't anything you won't _do_. You've been _doing_ so much lately..."

April felt herself flush a deep shade of red and she swallowed and looked down at her feet.

"It's really quite the fall from grace or whatever," Alex continued. "I mean, from Virgin Mary to like freakin' Mary Magdalene. Now, you're just as horny as the rest of us. No way you can 're-virginize' now. "

"Shut up, Alex!" April crossed her arms and kept her head down, trying hard to hold back the tears that inexplicably pricked at her eyes. He wasn't a terrible person, she knew that. He just liked to give her a hard time. He just didn't understand any of this. She didn't even understand it.

"That why you look like crap? Wearing yourself out? Freshly fuuu-" his words trailed off as Bailey walked up to him and smacked the back of his head.

"Dr. Karev, I'm sure there is more to your job description than crude humor. You are an attending now, act like one!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah..." Alex mumbled, grabbing a fork and heading out the door. "I'll see you in the OR tomorrow, Apes. Don't freakin' cry."

April sank down to the couch, and when the door slammed, despite the fact that Dr. Bailey was still in the room, she did just that. She started to sob. It wasn't just Alex's teasing. Normally, she could handle that. It was just that he'd hit on a nerve. Many raw, open and painful nerves. And all this was not how she pictured her return to Seattle at all, and April was seriously reconsidering whether coming back to the hospital was even the best thing at all. Maybe she should have just said no to Dr. Hunt. It might be selfish to have wanted to return so badly anyway. She had failed after all. April wasn't a board certified surgeon.

It wasn't like she couldn't have found a clinic or somewhere to work at in Ohio. Instead April had worked for her dad. She knew deep down that she'd really wanted to come back. Maybe it wasn't the right thing though. Otherwise why was everything such a disaster?

Dr. Bailey moved to leave, but paused, holding the door handle with a pained expression on her face. If April wasn't mortified enough by _everything_ already, the fact that she was having a mini-breakdown and blubbering away in front of Dr. Bailey just made her want to disintegrate with embarrassment. She held her head in her hands. She just felt so lost. Adrift and alone.

"Dr. Kepner," Bailey said finally. "You are a runt."

* * *

Miranda didn't know why she'd blurted out her thoughts so suddenly. She'd had her hand on the door, and had been in a perfectly good position to make a clean get away. She had her hand back. But Kepner was just sitting there on the couch, crumpling to pieces under Karev's word's. And the thought had just occurred to her. April was the runt of her peers. Always had been. So, she'd said it.

"W-what?" April blubbered, plaintively.

Immediately, Miranda regretted letting her words get ahead of her thoughts. She shouldn't have just said it. She didn't even really like Kepner. But she didn't have her either. April was just...annoying. And a little sad. And a lot like 'Mandy' the resident. Miranda's eyes narrowed to slits and she pulled her hand back from the door handle. She had her hand back. Tuck didn't need her. Neither did Meredith, Avery, or even Karev. She had her hand back. Miranda could choose what to do with it. And maybe that meant offering it to someone else.

"You are a runt," Miranda repeated slowly. "Everyone picks on you...makes fun of you. You are often the butt of jokes."

"Oh gee," April sniffed, wiping her eyes. "Thank you, I hadn't noticed."

"You are a runt, and I was a minnow," she continued, ignoring Kepner's sarcasm. "I ended up becoming a shark."

Miranda turned from the door, to face April gesturing in midair with one hand, "You can become a...hog."

"A hog?"

"Metaphorically."

"I-I'm not sure that makes-"

"Work with me, Kepner."

April's eyes widened, "I-I, You want to give m-me advice? I thought you d-didn't even-"

"Don't make me change my mind!'

"O-kay."

"You have to start standing up for yourself," Miranda said carefully. Wanting to talk as wide a birth as possible around the subject about which April mostly got teased for. She was nowhere near drunk enough to even think about discussing Kepner's virginity. There were somethings Miranda just did not need to know.

"I try," April said dejectedly. "It doesn't really matter. And no one will let me do a surgery alone."

Well, Miranda knew that she herself had played a role in that. And she still stood by that decision. The girl had failed her boards. She'd never been the strongest surgically, and it was a good idea to ease her back into things with simple supervised procedures. It should actually be helping with confidence and all of that. Miranda shuddered to think about a nervous and distracted Kepner working on some gruesome trauma patient all on her own. Someday soon perhaps, but hell no, not right now.

"Look, you have been out of the game for three months, Kepner. Anyone is bound to be a little rusty. You'll be solo again eventually."

Walking over to the couch, Miranda grimaced, deciding to take a different approach, "Let me tell you something about this hospital: Most of these surgeons act like children. Lord knows they like to stir the pot. But they also thrive on reaction. If you don't react the way you do, they'll move on to someone else."

April was still teary as she stared out into the attendings lounge, "I guess. It's just not easy."

"No one ever said life was supposed to be."

"I know that," Kepner shrugged. "It's just I have been praying for so long to know what to do, and I just keep messing up."

"God doesn't really give out instruction manuals," Miranda replied. He sure hadn't given her one for her own life.

"Isn't that the Bible?"

"No...that's a guideline, maybe. A book of examples, yes. But it plays out in people's lives in different ways. Everyone is different. Things...you...people change. God knows that. He gives us the tools to do what is right."

"But...I broke my promise to Jesus. Twice. The same one," April sniffed. "Well, technically more than twice-"

Miranda held up a hand, "Uh, Kepner! I do not want to hear how-"

"And...I don't feel bad. Not bad enough anyway and I-" Kepner's works were flowing out in a big long rush. "I feel bad for not feeling bad. God is never going to make people stop teasing me if I can't even keep a promise."

Leaning back on the couch, Miranda pursed her lips. She was going to regret this, but the girl was kind of a lost soul. And Miranda knew more than a little bit about that. She opened her mouth again, "Do you still believe in your promise?"

"I...I want to. I mean, I think I do," April shrugged. "It's what I have always been taught to believe anyway."

"I am going to say this once Kepner and it doesn't leave this room," Miranda said firmly. "If it does, I will end you!"

April's eyes grew wide and she nodded.

"I...made a promise too. The same as you did. And I kept it. Married Tucker. Did everything right by that promise. I thought I believed in it," she explained.

"You thought you did?"

"Well, I did until Tucker started giving me ultimatums, and that's not a marriage. So I got out. I divorced. And I believe God supports my choices. If I had stood by my promise, I would never have moved on. Now, I found Ben and-"

"He takes care of your needs in a way your husband did not?"

Miranda's head snapped to look at April sharply, making the younger woman cower a bit toward the couch.

"Kepner! What did I say? That never happened!"

"Sorry, sorry."

"Say it with me, now."

They spoke in unison, "That never happened."

"Exactly," Miranda nodded and sighed uncomfortably. "I think that God wants us to be happy. I think he wants us to be happy, and the ways he gets us there are not always the ways we expect. If I hadn't have kept my promise and married Tucker, I never would have had Tuck. And Tuck is just as important to my happiness as Ben."

April looked pensive, so Miranda continued, "Girl, I think God puts the people in our lives who are supposed to be there. Regardless of any promises or anything. The people you are meant to love always come into your life eventually. And then something makes you realize that you love them. I don't think Jesus really judges you on how you come to figure that out. He just wants us to figure it out. You understand?"

"Sort of."

"Just...when it comes to loving God and doing right by him...don't be too hard on yourself. He's a hard one to catch up to. His ways aren't always as clear as we'd want. Just make the effort. That's enough."

Kepner looked as uncomfortable as Miranda felt. They sat in silence for a moment looking around the chaotic lounge. Miranda missed the old days. Altman, Torres, Robbins and the rest at least kept everything clear. She wrinkled her nose. The dishes in particular looked really disgusting. Her eyes darted down and she realized that April had a tooth brush in her hands.

"You're not living in the hospital right now are you, Kepner?" Talk about a recipe for disaster. No wonder the poor girl had broken down. This place could be overwhelming, professionally and personally. And if you never ever left...

"Well, I uh, I can't really go back to my old situation so...I am looking for a place, but the prices these days for even studios is really really high and-"

"Just answer the question."

"Yes."

Once again, Miranda felt as though her mouth was operating on it's own accord. God's ways indeed. She shook her head and gestured with her finger, "Uh uh! Pack your bag up Kepner. You need to spend some time away from here. You need a place to sleep and a place to think that isn't here."

"W-What?"

"I have a couch bed," Miranda continued. Good lord what was she saying. "You can have that until you find a place of your own, as long as you earn your keep. And behave yourself. I have a 5 year old son, after all."

"I-I don't know what to say Dr. Bailey..." April looked stunned. "Are- you're sure you..."

Miranda rose to her feet,"What did I say about not changing my mind? Grab your damn bag."

Kepner jumped and did as she was told, and followed Miranda to the door.

"Oh my gosh! Thank you Dr. Bailey! I really can't tell you enough how grateful I am. I promise I will clean and cook and anything you need. I make a mean casserole. Does Tuck like casserole because I could-"

Leading them into the hallway, Miranda held up one hand, "Kepner..."

"Hmmm?"

"Stop talking."


End file.
